Years ago, Fr. Joseph Huneycutt posted this on the "O" list. It was funny then, and is still funny, now. It's copyrighted, so please don't take it without the copyright notice and the website reference!!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE SOUTHERN ORTHODOX WHEN:
10) At Pentecost, your church is decorated with Kudzu.
9) You spell "feast" with only three letters: B B Q.
8) You say "Father," "Barsonuphios," and "Monastery" without any pronouncing an "r."
7) You drive 3 hours to an Orthodox Church. But, could hop ... on one foot ... with your eyes closed ... (and a rock in your shoe) ... to the nearest Baptist Church.
6) All your services are all in English -- at least that's what YOU call it.
5) There's women in your church known as: Photini Beth, Thecla Beth, and Elizabeth Beth.
4) There's men going by: Athanasius Lee, Euphrosynos Lee, and Vasiliy Lee.
3) You got white folks, black folks -- even Democrats -- in your parish, but no Russians, Serbians, Arabs or Greeks.
2) You know someone who knows someone who knows someone with a velvet picture of Elvis celebrating the Last Supper.
AND ... the number one sign that you are an Orthodox Southerner:
1) You think grits are too good to be considered fasting!
(copyright 2000 - Fr Joseph Huneycutt)
Now, I'm very ROC (Redneck Orthodox Christian), but in my parish we do have Russians, Serbians, Arabs and Greeks - and most of them speak English with a Southern drawl! The services are partially in Slavonic - with a Southern drawl. And I *do* know someone with a velvet picture of Elvis celebrating the Last Supper!
I think this list from "Memoirs of a Neophyte" is more to the point:
You know you’re Orthodox if...
• On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food.
• You are more comfortable standing in church than sitting.
• You can suck/vacuum up the crumbs of bread out of your hand without coughing.
• You can sing ison to any song (and you know what an ison is… LoL).
• Lent to you means peanut butter, tofu, soy, lots and lots of pita bread and hummus, and services at least five times a week.
• You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays.
• On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable.
• You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV.
• You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time.
• To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf.
• You get great deals on Easter candy.
• You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling and wax from your walls.
• When you see a shopping-mall Santa, your first instinct is to hold out your hands to get his blessing.
• Before you pray, you say a prayer.
• You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you.
• When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy!
• You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing.
• The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains.
• You consider any service two hours or under short/regular.
• You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, “Let us complete our prayer to the Lord”, and there’s still half an hour to go.
• At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead.
• Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring 10 dishes of sausage with cheese).
• Your priest is married.
• You have seen all members of clergy in purple robes.
• You can differentiate between the eight different chanting tones.
• You typically celebrate a feast day by observing strict fasting.
• You celebrate feast days the night before.
• You address the City as Constantinople instead of Istanbul.
• You can say "Lord have mercy" 40 times without making a mistake.
• You say 'unto the ages of ages.' instead of 'world without end.'